It's amazing and/but I don't know why

Dawid Laszuk published on
3 min, 522 words

One of those notes written under a sudden and noticeable motivation spike. I'll attribute it to coffee but it's obviously not the only factor. I had coffee many times in the last week but this feeling came maybe once or twice. Something needs to be attributed and as the author I need to give you an anchor, otherwise you'll go on a wild hunt.

What am I talking about? Yes. I'm with you on this question. (No, this post is not written by GPT-X.)

Last week was rather stressful. In hindsight, all stress was created by me but for a long time it looked like the world was pressuring me. It's about the feeling when you've committed to do something and then have doubts about the commitment. Doubts are thoughts, and they take time, and that time is taken from the commitment. The best case scenario is that you fully exchange thinking into confidence. In the rest of scenarios, however, the efficiency is lower and that "thinking" has a side effect of "time wasting" which when noticed further decreases the efficiency. Since you don't know who cares you imagine that no one cares but everyone is watching. And they're judging, because, obviously, no one just watches. And they're criticizing, because that's the only way imaginary judges operate. And so you try to come up with a way to make the mob go away. A common approach is to double down on the commitment and press it, push it, drive it across the finish line as initially declared. Let the grind begin. Nevermind that mental-doubt baggage you've been collecting on the way; it's no time to resolve it, it's time to speed up.

Obviously, it isn't good to speed up now. Peer pressure creates a steep incline and self-doubt adds rocks to your backpack. It's a double trouble; not only you're going to struggle but you're also going to struggle. Yes, correct, twice. You keep on going because at least you're going. You should give up but that's what they want. It's hard and your legs are aching. And your back! What now? How to? What if?

And then it bursts. You're back on a straight path through a gorgeous forest and your backpack only contains lead-free tuna sandwiches. You have a full memory of the struggle but the pain is gone. You recall imaginary mob but there's no way to point where it is, and if it is anywhere it's probably somewhere behind now. What the fuck has just happened?

This happens to me more than I really want. As a self-retrospective(?) person I try to analyze and learn from these experiences. I have notes on events and various data, and when I think I've got it - boom, another one. Obviously obvious conclusion is that as a pattern monkey I like to find patterns and they make me happy. So many obvious things, obviously! But that isn't obvious and it isn't a conclusion. It's also questionable whether that makes me happy. It's complicated, and that state makes me intrigued and amazed. That's the happiness of level three.